Pretty Dirty

Saturday, December 5th, 2009

Time:	10:36 am.
Mood:	blah.

So a year ago today my Sky went to bunny heaven..
It still isn't easy.
I miss his face terribly.
There's a hole in my heart that's never going to heal.

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

Time:	9:48 am.
Mood:	mellow.

I think I can find a balance with everything.
I can be content with whatever is going on with my life that makes me remotely happy and I can still care and worry and want to fix everything for everyone else.
haha
I think I've got it.

I think you're an amazing person.
I've accepted the fact that I'm not good enough for you/what you want/what you need.
And it's alright.
I'm not going to talk shit about how much you suck or anything.
You stuck with me through a lot of stuff and maybe I just hoped it'd go further.
It's okay.
It really is.

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

Time:	10:45 am.
Mood:	blah.

I wanna be super excited because I can start my birthday countdown but I feel like selfish cause my lifemate is going through uber shitty stuff.

When everyone else is happy, I'm not.

When I'm happy, everyone else isn't.

I can deal with the first option but not the second.
Oh well.

Sunday, November 29th, 2009

Time:	7:48 am.
Mood:	calm.

I think I'm just being silly.
Maybe I was hoping things would go back to the way they were.
But then again we never had a conversation as to what we wanted, if anything.
I've been trying my best not to be a nag or ask a million questions or put any pressure on the situation even though it's more than obvious where I wanted this to go.
I know nothing stays the same, that's inevitable.
Oh well, maybe I was just waaaay too hopeful for a happy ending.
Or at least the start of all that happy stuff.

It's understandable, this year kicked the shit out of me emotionally.

Maybe this year will end better than I expected.
Maybe all my crazy nonsense will be wrong.

Wednesday, November 25th, 2009

Time:	7:59 pm.
Mood:	calm.

This whole good day, stupid day thing is annoying but that's how things go.
Some minor technical difficulties.
I'm just glad that it's getting close to my birthday & nothing horrific has happened *knocks on wood*.

I still need to work on this patience thing but baby steps.

I hope everything is okay. I don't want to bother you with my nonsense but you're stuck on my brain. I keep giving you ammo to use against me & make fun of me hahaha

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Time:	10:33 am.
Mood:	blah.

The more & more my mom keeps making comments about my weight & how fucking beastly I am, the more I wish my eating disorder was still super ridiculously bad.

I seriously cannot catch a break.

Friday, November 20th, 2009

Time:	3:10 am.
Mood:	awake.

My phone has it out for me.
I obviously didn't have enough stuff on my list to take care of so now I have to add getting a new phone.
JUST PERFECT hahaha
For fuck's sake this is not the business.

But in other non shitty phone news..
I think we're finally getting back into the swing of things.
Or at least it seems like it.
Happyyyyyyy.

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

Time:	2:00 am.
Mood:	discouraged.

Sometimes I think I really am just a glutton for punishment.

Sunday, November 15th, 2009

Time:	5:47 am.
Mood:	awake.

I officially no longer have a concept of time.
It flew out the window hahaha
Ugh it's so annoying.
A few days feels like weeks.
This is Fresno all over again.
I wish I could change my internal clock setting and be back on track.
It would be SO much easier.
And greatly appreciated.

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

Time:	4:44 pm.
Mood:	exhausted.

It's pretty ridiculous how much I miss you and your attention.
It makes me feel stupid haha
Beyond stupid.
I have to stop myself from blowing up your phone with my nonsense.
I made the first move this time around.
So I have to back off a little.
I know you're prolly busy and whatnot..
But more of your attention would be greatly appreciated.
Unless that's not what you want, which is totally alright.
Ugh fuck me I'm exhausted.
I'm going to take a power nap before I start babbling on and make an even bigger ass out of myself.

Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

Time:	8:31 pm.
Mood:	content.

I love that Amanda will tell me to stop being stupid and let things happen. haha
Every time I try letting my insecurities get me she'll be the first to say shut up.
I'm happy and things are going amazingly.
At least it feels like it.
I shouldn't expect anything horrible to happen..
Unless I start sucking at life and rack up this huge bad karma haha
I have to be posi and happyyyyy.
It's hard though.
Extremely hard.

I can doooo it.
:]

Monday, November 9th, 2009

Time:	7:49 pm.
Mood:	anxious.

Patience is something I will never have.
I was just born that way.

Why can't this be easier..
Le sigh..

Time:	2:38 am.
Mood:	accomplished.

I'm SO excited..
I think I might actually be able to pull off paying for my own school tution.
Granted I'm going to have to hustle like I've never hustled before but I totally got thiiiis haha
Ahhh I'm so happy.
FINALLY something seems to be going my way.
My confidence & self esteem are sloooowly coming back.
Ahhh amazing.
I'm so happy!
Go me! Hahaha
I can't wait til more aspects of my life come together.
Not tryin to be greedy or selfish though.
Happy happy happyyyyy :)

Friday, November 6th, 2009

Time:	8:03 am.
Mood:	awake.

okay I have a clear head for once & can update properly.
September was stupid haha I thought someone was different and I was clearly wrong. It sucks because every time someone shitty comes along, it makes you lose faith in people. But whatever I guess. I think I try too hard to find the good in people. I got over things quicker than I expected but I'm personally not complaining. It just means I wasn't that into it if it didn't phase me.

Last month wasn't so bad. I started to fix myself & actually started to feel better from all the events of the year. I started painting like a mad woman haha but it helped a lot. I started planning out my future & it seems super doable. It's going to take a lot of work but it'll be worth it.

This month started off odd but amusing to say the least haha I put my pride aside & did something I didn't expect to do. I missed you terribly even though I'd never admit it. It was just really awesome to talk again & have it be good & mellow & not like fuck you die haha I prolly shouldn't expect much or anything but it just felt good. I wouldn't be apposed to this continuing. I guess it is what it is & if it's supposed to work/happen then it will.

I'm starting to feel like myself again. But in a good way. I felt like I lost myself. I'm almost back & I'm happy about it.

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

Time:	11:39 pm.
Mood:	amused.

Ugh I can honestly do without all of this nonsense. I can do without all of this drama. I can do without shady peopleeeee.
hahaha
I'm over everythinggggg.

And I hate boys.
But that prolly won't go away anytime soon.
hahahaha
Don't trust em.
Evaaaaa.
I'm going to be single forever and turn into a cougar when I'm 40 if I'm not all saggy HAHAHAHAHAHA

On a lighter note, I should be living in southern California HOPEFULLY in the next few months if all goes as planned.
SO HAPPY!!
I get to be with my bff!

It's almost my birthday.
22.
HOW GROSS.

blahblah.

Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

Time:	4:02 am.
Mood:	awake.

This past month has been disgustingly emotional. I need a break from all of this. You can only hear how shitty your dad is so many times. Yes, he's obviously not the greatest dude out there but he is my father. Hearing all this fucked up shit about him just sucks. He was a temporary thing in her life. She doesn't realize that talking so much shit about him causes our issues to resurface. We've made too much progress for everything to go to shit. Whether I like it or not, he's in my life. Forever. But she doesn't care. She keeps inflicting more pain upon herself and dragging me along for the ride. I should have never been brought into this. I should have never been told the gory details.

Hung out with Ness the other day. Went to a kick back at Rosa's the other night. Went to a bar with Rosa and Brenda. Got hit on by high school gang bangers. Been working on a lot of canvases. Getting paid to do a series. Everything that isn't family related isn't too shabby.

For the first time in years...
I feel genuinely happy. He makes me excited for the future. I don't have an escape plan. That hasn't happened in so long. He knows about a part of my life that very few know about and he stuck around. He didn't runaway screaming. For the first time in years my heart isn't hurting for my life ruiner. I'm happy. And it's amazing. He's amazing. This whole deal is amazing. I hope he doesn't go away any time soon. Or ever.

Monday, August 31st, 2009

Time:	11:18 pm.
Mood:	blah.

This situation is still really fucked up. I was put in the middle of it when I really shouldn't have known any of it. I've heard both sides of the story. My dad didn't handle things right. What he did was unforgivable. It sucks having to reevaluate your whole life. But I think I've figured it out..again. I just need a break from this drama. It's not fair. I'm making myself so sick because of it.

But...
There's this lovely gentleman I'm conversing with.
He's completely blowing me away.
I love it.

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Time:

6:35 pm.

Everyone says girls have daddy issues and make it seem like it's just another stupid problem girls have. No one seems to realize that everything father's do to women (lie, cheat, abuse, etc.) comes back to their daughters. We get lied to. We get cheated on. We get beaten. And our fathers don't really seem to give a shit about it. I guess you can say it's some type of sick and twisted karma thing. It's never going to stop. It's a never ending cycle. And it's really sad. They'll never realize the hurt their actions cause us. But hey, we're just girls. We're supposed to fake a smile and just deal with it right?

Thursday, August 13th, 2009

Time:

4:41 am.

Yesterday was my dad's 15th anniversary of being a Hells Angel.
It still kinda blows my mind that he's the president of the Fresno chapter.

Like boys needed an even bigger reason to stay away from me, right?
hahahahaha

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

Time:

5:05 am.

I had a ridiculous conversation with mom yesterday.
It just felt good letting a majority of things off my chest.

Things are getting better.
I'm taking a fucking long ass break from even thinking about dudes.
They're WAY too much drama.
My brain can't deal with it.

We're gonna raaaaaage in a few weeks.
Days.
Whatever it is now.
hahaha

I just want to be happy :]

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