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Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
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| Time: | 8:31 pm. |
| Mood: |  content. |
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I love that Amanda will tell me to stop being stupid and let things happen. haha
Every time I try letting my insecurities get me she'll be the first to say shut up.
I'm happy and things are going amazingly.
At least it feels like it.
I shouldn't expect anything horrible to happen..
Unless I start sucking at life and rack up this huge bad karma haha
I have to be posi and happyyyyy.
It's hard though.
Extremely hard.
I can doooo it.
:]
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Monday, November 9th, 2009
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| Time: | 7:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  anxious. |
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Patience is something I will never have.
I was just born that way.
Why can't this be easier..
Le sigh..
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| Time: | 2:38 am. |
| Mood: | accomplished. |
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I'm SO excited..
I think I might actually be able to pull off paying for my own school tution.
Granted I'm going to have to hustle like I've never hustled before but I totally got thiiiis haha
Ahhh I'm so happy.
FINALLY something seems to be going my way.
My confidence & self esteem are sloooowly coming back.
Ahhh amazing.
I'm so happy!
Go me! Hahaha
I can't wait til more aspects of my life come together.
Not tryin to be greedy or selfish though.
Happy happy happyyyyy :)
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Friday, November 6th, 2009
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| Time: | 8:03 am. |
| Mood: |  awake. |
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okay I have a clear head for once & can update properly.
September was stupid haha I thought someone was different and I was clearly wrong. It sucks because every time someone shitty comes along, it makes you lose faith in people. But whatever I guess. I think I try too hard to find the good in people. I got over things quicker than I expected but I'm personally not complaining. It just means I wasn't that into it if it didn't phase me.
Last month wasn't so bad. I started to fix myself & actually started to feel better from all the events of the year. I started painting like a mad woman haha but it helped a lot. I started planning out my future & it seems super doable. It's going to take a lot of work but it'll be worth it.
This month started off odd but amusing to say the least haha I put my pride aside & did something I didn't expect to do. I missed you terribly even though I'd never admit it. It was just really awesome to talk again & have it be good & mellow & not like fuck you die haha I prolly shouldn't expect much or anything but it just felt good. I wouldn't be apposed to this continuing. I guess it is what it is & if it's supposed to work/happen then it will.
I'm starting to feel like myself again. But in a good way. I felt like I lost myself. I'm almost back & I'm happy about it.
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Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
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| Time: | 11:39 pm. |
| Mood: | amused. |
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Ugh I can honestly do without all of this nonsense. I can do without all of this drama. I can do without shady peopleeeee.
hahaha
I'm over everythinggggg.
And I hate boys.
But that prolly won't go away anytime soon.
hahahaha
Don't trust em.
Evaaaaa.
I'm going to be single forever and turn into a cougar when I'm 40 if I'm not all saggy HAHAHAHAHAHA
On a lighter note, I should be living in southern California HOPEFULLY in the next few months if all goes as planned.
SO HAPPY!!
I get to be with my bff!
It's almost my birthday.
22.
HOW GROSS.
blahblah.
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Tuesday, September 29th, 2009
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| Time: | 4:02 am. |
| Mood: | awake. |
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This past month has been disgustingly emotional. I need a break from all of this. You can only hear how shitty your dad is so many times. Yes, he's obviously not the greatest dude out there but he is my father. Hearing all this fucked up shit about him just sucks. He was a temporary thing in her life. She doesn't realize that talking so much shit about him causes our issues to resurface. We've made too much progress for everything to go to shit. Whether I like it or not, he's in my life. Forever. But she doesn't care. She keeps inflicting more pain upon herself and dragging me along for the ride. I should have never been brought into this. I should have never been told the gory details.
Hung out with Ness the other day. Went to a kick back at Rosa's the other night. Went to a bar with Rosa and Brenda. Got hit on by high school gang bangers. Been working on a lot of canvases. Getting paid to do a series. Everything that isn't family related isn't too shabby.
For the first time in years...
I feel genuinely happy. He makes me excited for the future. I don't have an escape plan. That hasn't happened in so long. He knows about a part of my life that very few know about and he stuck around. He didn't runaway screaming. For the first time in years my heart isn't hurting for my life ruiner. I'm happy. And it's amazing. He's amazing. This whole deal is amazing. I hope he doesn't go away any time soon. Or ever.
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Monday, August 31st, 2009
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| Time: | 11:18 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. |
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This situation is still really fucked up. I was put in the middle of it when I really shouldn't have known any of it. I've heard both sides of the story. My dad didn't handle things right. What he did was unforgivable. It sucks having to reevaluate your whole life. But I think I've figured it out..again. I just need a break from this drama. It's not fair. I'm making myself so sick because of it.
But...
There's this lovely gentleman I'm conversing with.
He's completely blowing me away.
I love it.
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Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
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Everyone says girls have daddy issues and make it seem like it's just another stupid problem girls have. No one seems to realize that everything father's do to women (lie, cheat, abuse, etc.) comes back to their daughters. We get lied to. We get cheated on. We get beaten. And our fathers don't really seem to give a shit about it. I guess you can say it's some type of sick and twisted karma thing. It's never going to stop. It's a never ending cycle. And it's really sad. They'll never realize the hurt their actions cause us. But hey, we're just girls. We're supposed to fake a smile and just deal with it right?
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Thursday, August 13th, 2009
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Yesterday was my dad's 15th anniversary of being a Hells Angel.
It still kinda blows my mind that he's the president of the Fresno chapter.
Like boys needed an even bigger reason to stay away from me, right?
hahahahaha
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Tuesday, August 11th, 2009
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I had a ridiculous conversation with mom yesterday.
It just felt good letting a majority of things off my chest.
Things are getting better.
I'm taking a fucking long ass break from even thinking about dudes.
They're WAY too much drama.
My brain can't deal with it.
We're gonna raaaaaage in a few weeks.
Days.
Whatever it is now.
hahaha
I just want to be happy :]
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Thursday, July 30th, 2009
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| Time: | 8:26 pm. |
| Mood: |  bouncy. |
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I'm in such a retarded situation.
I'm being good and optimistic.
Not sure if I should just bail.
We shall see.
At least I figured most of it out already.
I can't believe I miss Fresno.
Denise was texting me yesterday and I just got sooo sad.
I'm really happy though that things with my dad are amazing.
He's in Minnesota right now for some club shindig.
Hopefully if Lydia and I end up going to Fresno..
to see a certain gook..
we can at least stop by my dad's and say hi.
We'll see how everything plays out.
2 1/2 weeks to see what happens.
We already hate everyone.
This is going to be very interesting haha
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Saturday, July 25th, 2009
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| Time: | 4:08 pm. |
| Mood: | content. |
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So they're officially kicking Chuck outta the house..
Which means I'll have my own room now (after they shampoo that carpet).
So that meaaaaans I'll be living in Fresno and Salinas now.
Fresno wouldn't be soooo terrible if it wasn't so fucking hot.
Whatevs haha
Now Lydia and I can hide out there when we hate the world and boys.
We're going to go on a boy, I mean MAN, hunt in August.
This should be interesting hahahaha
Things aren't so bad.
I function better when I fly solo.
I'm more focussed and can pay attention to my art again.
Boys are a big waste of time.
I'll spend my precious time with my girls and art.
So much better.
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| Time: | 3:21 am. |
| Mood: |  tired. |
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hahahahaha
Less than a month.
Free bird status.
Not such a bad thing.
I need to stop talking to dudes that don't make efforts and shit.
I need to be a lil hermit again.
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| Time: | 4:44 am. |
| Mood: | content. |
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Being home never felt sooo good haha I hung out with Rosa and caught up on all the chisme. Monster has been SO happy that I'm home. Things are continuing to improve with the boy. I like being happy and excited for things again. I hope everything just keeps getting better. I could seriously use this dose of happy.
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Thursday, July 16th, 2009
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| Time: | 11:41 pm. |
| Mood: | restless. |
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Day twenty seven:
Today was an icky day for denise. Hopefully everything gets better. I still hate chuck.
Day twenty eight:
It's good to see family. Regardless of the past history it just feels awesome now. It was a house full of boys again. Mason was so fucking sunburnt his back looked like he was wearing a red shirt hahaha but we all got a big kick out of that. I love being with my dad but I miss home terribly. I miss my momma and monsterpoo and my art supplies. And I hate chuck. I'm thinking about stencilling a deadhead and spray painting all kinds of shit on a canvas for my dad's 15th anniversary. I'm still brain storming and I have pleanty of time before Lydia and I come to fresno in august.
Day twenty nine:
Being around chuck and feeling so angry and annoyed is making my bipolar act up. My anxiety is creeping up on me and I'm clawing at my arms. Chuck is bad for my health. I need to go back to being optimistic. It'll help a lot.
Day thirty:
I get to go home this week. SO excited. A couple more days with chuck.. Not so excited. We watched superstar and the sopranos til almost 5am. Shit was chill.
Day thirty one:
I go home friday. I told mom it was for sure about me coming home this week and she was so happy haha she said Monster didn't attack her feet the whole time I was gone and once she told him I was coming home he attacked her hahaha my baby was excited. Everything seems to be going awesome. I'm happy. Things with new boy seem legit so far. I've been waiting to be happy for a long time. I hope it stays.
Day thirty two:
I'm on a tarded rollar coaster full of ups and downs and twists and turns. It's making me sick.
Day thirty three:
Things are going so good now. Everything is settled and awesome. I'm so happy. I go home friday. New boy and I are doing supaaaa good. Things are totally looking up.
Day thirty four:
All in all this was a good trip. I'll prolly be back way more often. I'm so excited to go home.
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Day twenty:
Chuck came home which totally ruined the vibe. Pookie sucks. Chuck sucks. The kitten here that looks like a baby Monster makes me so much more homesick. I'm really not sure how I feel about talking to someone new. It's been a long time and yeah I feel happy but all those other emotions I hate are surfacing. Maybe I should just end this before I get hurt..again.
Day twenty one:
Chuck started shit again but hopefully he's moving out soon so it doesn't matter. Denise and I were trying to figure out how to make the air mattress float hahaha then we started thinking of how to make it seriously work. We came super close to drawing it out on paper. Hahaha oh man. We're speeeecial. My new boy and I had one of the important talks and we're on the same page. Lydia and I are going to visit him for a week in august. Stoked!
Day twenty two:
Chuck changed his tone and was being overly nice again. He let me borrow his car while denise and I ran some errands. Weiiiird haha we all watched fireworks but came inside soon after cause of the stupid bugs. I still hate pookie. Things seem okay with me and the new boy. But I can't help but me a lil skeptical. I'm going against my better judgement.
Day twenty three:
Still skeptical. It's prolly my own insecurities. I haven't done this stuff in a long time. It's going to take awhile to get into the swing of things again. But I am excited about august :) I might be going home next week. I have to run it by my dad. I like it here but I miss home terribly. I miss my mom and monsterpoo and the cloudy coastal weather.
Day twenty four:
We all hate pookie.
Day twenty five:
Sometimes I wish I didn't need to like boys. It's been a lil over a week and this isn't getting easier. I should stick to being alone. That's the best for now.
Day twenty six:
Right when I think things are settled and good, something comes along and throws a wrench into things. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I'll heavily medicate myself so I'll never need human contact again. Being bipolar is so fucking horrible.
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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
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| Time: | 11:57 pm. |
| Mood: | blah. |
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Day thirteen:
Today wasn't as hot as yesterday thank god! Haha but saturday is supposed to be 107 and sunday is supposed to be 108. Fresno is hell's butthole I swear. Scott's gf wants me to hang out with her and Mason's gf at the run/party. She's nice but I have no clue what the shit we're sposed to talk about. Denise is gonna save me from seeing all the boys, including my dad, shitfaced. Hopefully I'll be asleep by the time he comes home. I don't want a round 2 of last week. Hopefully shit is legit as fuck. That would rule. Oh, and hopefully I don't get an awkward tan on my tits. That would rule even more.
Day fourteen:
Today was a lazy day. Chuck brought us in & out. He still sucks. My dad's friend's wifey gave us this bag full of expensive hair products. That was way fuckin legit. My dad said the dude that might be doing my sleeve miiiight be at the run tomorrow. SO stoked. Tomorrow is going to be a loooong day. A long stupid hot day.
Day fifthteen:
It was hot as fuck. Denise and I only stayed a little bit at the run. We both felt awkward but for two different reasons. We watched movies and talked. It was way better than being outside in 105 weather. We're working out details of my tattoo. Legiiiit. I miss home.
Day sixteen:
Lazy lazy day. The longer I'm here the more I hate chuck. Tattoo shop tomorrow!
Day seventeen:
We went to the shop and got shit worked out. We'll see what happens. Chuck's annoying but going out of town for a few days woo!
Day eighteen:
We called risky to see if I could go down to the shop to get tattooed. He gave me some bullshit excuse as to why he couldn't do it then proceeded to talk to me like I was an ignorant little girl. He said he'd sketch up a drawing and I could take it to someone better. He added that if there was anything else I wanted done he'd totally do it. Incompetent pussy.
Day nineteen:
No chuck makes the house feel so chill. Risky called me late today and left a voicemail. He sounded oh so thrilled (not) to tell me my sketch was done. He didn't even bother saying I could pick it up or to call him back. Fuck that shit. I'll find someone better. I'm annoyed. I started talking to a tattoo artist in fresno.. That was prolly a bad idea. He never has time for me. But he makes me smile. I always pick the ones that are beyond busy. Fuck.
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Thursday, June 25th, 2009
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| Time: | 9:36 pm. |
| Mood: | content. |
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Day nine:
Today was a lot better than yesterday. My dad apologized for last night and things are a-okay. I talked to my brother on the phone today for the first time in years. I can't wait til he moves back to the west coast. It was a complete 180 and I can't complain.
Day ten:
Chuck was gone for a majority of the day and the mood was just so mellow. My allergies are still acting up and they're prolly going to be ten times worse this weekend since its going to be triple digits for sure. I want to start my sleeve so bad. But who knows what's happening with that now. I miss my mum and monsterpoo. Hopefully I go home shortly after the run. Maybe there will be some hot dewdz there lolz.
Day eleven:
Shit hit the fan with Chuck and uncle Mike. Chuck bailed shortly. Can't say we missed him. I was tricked into cooking dinner haha but I didn't mind. I have skillz. Today was a good day haha
Day twelve:
Chuck started kissing everyone's ass today. It was so funny yet creepy. He was overly nice. But hey, he brought us chinese. Sopranos marathon was legit. I'm not looking forward to it being 104 for the run. Not legit.
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| Time: | 3:45 pm. |
| Mood: | drained. |
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Day six:
Chuck wasn't so mean to Denise today which creeped us out haha we think it was because Mike wasn't home. I looove Denise cause she brings me sour candies and horror movies. She is racking up the points left and right. There's a wild kitten outside by the back porch that looks like the type of Ragdoll I want to get. Now I have to convince mom to let me bring it home so Monsterpoo can have a brother/sister. We talked mma and Chuck's brother owns Tapout or some hooplah haha Either way we get free swag so now I can be a bro lolz
Day seven:
Today was hot as fuck. My allergies are so bad. Chuck was nice to Denise again. Well kinda... Hahaha we came to the conclusion that Chuck is gay but is in denial and he has a biiiig crush on my dad hahaha we're so mean but he's a jerk. It's so weird how much older Mason looks even though we're the same age. It trips me out. My dad's doin a lot better. He's such a dick but it's so funny hahaha as each day passes by the more I see I get my personality and sense of humor from him. I'm glad things worked out. I'm his mini me. I'm stoked my mom and dad being polar opposites didn't make me so shitty. I guess there's this run next weekend we're going to. Well if me and Denise have a ride cause we don't wanna go with Chuck. We're still def not on team Chuck. My mom wouldn't let me bring home the wild kitten that I wanted. Bummer! Fuck Fresno's 104 degree weather!
Day eight:
Today was an emotional day for both Denise and myself. There was a big hooplah dramafest between her ex husband and my dad. It ended up being squashed and shit was super chill after. My dad made it official between him and Denise. The men went out partying while we stayed home going nuts. It was cool though. We got closer. We Chuck bashed. Watched our vampire movies. Stuffed our faces. Ya know girl shit haha then my dad came home... Shitface drunk. I've never ever seen him that way. Denise has never seen him that way. We were both freaked out. He had this mean look on his face and he was being slightly confrontational. He started picking on me for a few seconds then went back to trying to start fights with Denise. I couldn't help it. I cried. I was so freaked out and so scared. I went to the room and cried but tried getting my shit together before he could notice. Denise came into the room and talked to me to make sure I was cool. She said she was on the verge of tears too because she was just as freaked as I was. As far as I'm concerned, that man I saw tonight was not my father. I didn't know that man at all. I never ever want to see him in that light again. Anyway, I met uncle Mike's gf Cindy and her baby. She's way nice and her son is adorable. We still hate creep-a-leep Chuck.
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Thursday, June 18th, 2009
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| Time: | 4:10 pm. |
| Mood: | content. |
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Day one:
Today was pretty awesome. I saw a lot of family and there was no anamosity. They kept saying they missed me and that I was so pretty. My dad has a new gf which threw me for a loop but she's really nice and funny. She's gonna make me a cheesecake muahaha so tired. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep. My aunt said she wants to see me in sleeves. Denise said my dad was super excited I was gonna stay with him for awhile. It makes me feel amazing to know how much my dad cares about me especially considering our rocky past. I'm just really happy things are good. I could be getting 50k soon. I just want things to be okay for my dad. I want his health to be better but denise is working on that so I'm greatful for that. xo
Day two:
Today was alright. We just stayed home and watched movies. They're kinda getting on my case about eating but I haven't been hungry so I'm not going to force myself to eat. My dad's friend lectured me about food. He said if I'm trying to lose weight not eating won't help. You don't say that shit to someone that's been struggling with an eating disorder for 5 years. But whatevs. That's just my luck. When I try being okay with my weight and how I look a complete stranger tells me I'm fat. He was drunk but hey the truth comes out when you're drunk. I haven't felt this genuinely bad about myself in a long long time. Yeah I get sad when mom makes comments about my weight but that's different. A complete stranger making a weight remark just hurts down to the core. I didn't think I'd be reduced to tears until later in my stay and for a different reason. I love my dad but I just want my mom.
Day three:
Today was good. I woke up late haha we watched movies again. Denise rented me true blood and the new friday the 13th. She's way nice. I like her a lot. My dad told Chuck he wasn't allowed to drink anymore because of the night before when he almost fell on top of me. He seemed kinda pissed about it but it's his own fault. They all seem annoyed with him. My dad told him we were having a scary movie marathon so he'd leave the house hahaha then they thought of ways to fuck with him. I re-met Scott and Mason. They're both super nice and polite. And both have gfs haha so I'm glad nothing could be arranged. It would be too awkward. But there is one more brother... Hahaha All in all today wasn't so bad. Tomorrow my dad finds out about the $ and if it goes as planned I may be getting half of it. Fingers crossed. xo
Day four:
Another movie marathon today. My dad's face kept swelling and we started freaking out. Denise freaked him out enough and he finally agreed to go to the er. There was magically 7 people ahead of him and a 4 hour wait. I guess the hospital is the place to be at 11pm.
Day five:
Today was a long day. I barely slept last night thanks to my body freaking out. I woke up early because Denise told me they were taking my dad to the er again. He has sinusitous which is basically a stage beyond a normal sinus infection. It's severe though. He has new meds to take but needs to fill the prescription. Denise and I had a walk and a talk. She's so nice and funny. I hope he keeps her. I not only like her personality but I LOVE how it's her mission to make sure he's healthy. I hope everything works out. We think Chuck has a bromantic crush on my dad hahaha! We're not on team Chuck.
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